Mary is a DBT Success Story in Portland, Oregon
/
Name, age, city/town:
Mary, 29, Portland, OR
What was the most rewarding thing about learning skills?
Not always feeling like I am in a crisis and/or suicidal. Having feelings like this can be very lonely and it always felt like I was constantly in a crisis. I also thought that my feelings couldn’t change. I was afraid that one day I would go too far and that my self-harm would result in me accidentally dying, as I was overdosing on my medication frequently in impulsive attempts to self harm. Now that I have control over my suicidal thoughts and rarely feel suicidal anymore, I don’t fear my own impulsivity, and that is very freeing. I also feel less depressed and don’t cry multiple times a day like I used to, and I generally just feel a lot happier knowing that if something unpredictable happens in my life I won’t turn into a sad, emotional mess. I have the tools and coping skills to be able to handle a bad day or week. I also have the skills to have better relationships and not push people away with strong emotions.
What are your favorite skills to use?
My most favorite skill to use is “riding the wave.” It reminds me that feeling suicidal is only temporary and if I wait a few hours for the feeling to go away, and not act on it, it will go away on its own. I read a book called How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me by Susan Rose Blauner that describes suicide prevention as a muscle; if you keep fighting the urge to try and commit suicide/engage in self harm, eventually that urge will lessen. And I saw huge results while exercising my muscle of “riding the urge”. You imagine the urge to self-harm as a wave you simply need to ride out. I also use it for panic attacks and remind myself that a panic attack will go away and not last forever. By using this technique I went from being suicidal almost daily to only feeling suicidal occasionally.
This isn’t a skill per se but one quote I really liked from that book was, “suicidal is not a feeling. You are not feeling suicidal; you are feeling something else underneath your feelings of suicide such as anger, loneliness, depression, abandonment, etc.” So I stopped labeling myself as “suicidal” and came to learn that beneath those feelings, I was actually feeling lonely. Additionally, I was sabotaging my relationships by trying to commit suicide so often because it put my friends into a state of panic and they didn’t like feeling like that. So when I start to feel lonely, such as over holidays or long weekends, I take a long walk, distract myself, or sometimes talk to a friend.
What advice would you give someone who is starting to learn DBT?
It took me a few weeks to digest a lot of what DBT was trying to teach me. At first I didn’t believe I had a life worth living. I thought, “of course that’s easy for Amanda to say! She doesn’t live with debilitating injuries that leave her in bed most of the day, or a toxic workplace, or family that rejects her.” But after reading some books on DBT, I learned it isn’t about what situation you’re in, it’s how you cope with it. Anyone can be in a dire situation and through DBT skills learn that we have the strength to go through whatever we are going through. Before learning DBT I always thought other people were just born naturally resilient and that I was more sensitive than others, but I’ve realized I am just as strong as anyone else going through life difficulties, and life will always have difficulties, it’s how we view things and handle what life gives us.
How has your life changed since learning DBT?
I feel my emotions are less chaotic and my relationships are more stable. Before I started learning DBT skills I thought I was just more sensitive than other people and that others were more resilient than I was. For example, being stood up for a date would make me cry for hours, and so would having a coworker make a comment about something that would hurt my feelings. I cried almost every day at work. People were confused by my strong emotions inside and outside of work and some people even labeled me as “manipulative” because they saw my strong emotions as my way of trying to make them feel bad about themselves. People didn’t believe that I was just sensitive and thought I was purposely trying to provoke them. Now I have learned that it is ok to feel hurt but I can do things to change my emotions and feel less pain by using distress tolerance skills. This makes it easier to interact with people because I’ve learned that if I get stood up for a date it doesn’t reflect on me as a person, and I don’t have to spend hours fuming, I can just enjoy my cup of coffee wherever my date was supposed to be and move on with my day. I don’t cry anymore at work and it makes my relationship with my coworkers less chaotic. Finally, not being suicidal multiple times a week puts less stress on my relationships, since calling my friends all the time when I was suicidal made them stressed and worried about me and distanced a lot of people from me because they didn’t know how to cope with my strong emotions. Learning how to deal with suicidal thoughts on my own has allowed me to continue my friendships with less strain and more joy.
How are you creating a life worth living today?
Today I was productive after work and baked an oatmeal banana bread, washed my dishes from breakfast this morning, and lit a candle in my bedroom while I relaxed. I left on time for work, did not get to work late, and did not cry at work. I also got all my online trainings done before the deadline, and I think the last time I actually met a deadline at work was over a year ago. That is all a huge difference from only a few months ago where I was so depressed I went weeks without showering, could never wake up or get to work on time, cried multiple times a day including at work, and left dishes in my sink for weeks. I have learned that a life worth living means taking care of myself and not giving into my depression. I am grateful I found Amanda because she is empathetic, genuine, and feels true joy when others are utilizing their DBT skills.
Way to go, Mary! I love how you are using these skills and ideas to create a life worth living! :) —Amanda
